Saturday, August 25, 2012

Funny - Excuses for no work today

Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."


More reasons to not turn up for work

The blankets were too heavy for me to lift so I was stuck in bed all day.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

Hello, I've used all of my sick days and I'm calling in dead.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I'm not coming to work to day because my computer has got a virus. And my computer means more to me then this job

I sprained my wrist cooking dinner in the microwave last night.

I didn't come to work because I forgot to.

I've played all the games that came with the company's operating system software. Until you get some new ones, I'm not coming in.

How to Get a Job You'll Love, 2009/10 Edition: A Practical Guide to Unlocking Your Talents and Finding Your Ideal Career How to Get a Job You'll Love, 2009/10 Edition: A Practical Guide to Unlocking Your Talents and Finding Your Ideal Career by John Lees from Amazon.co.uk

Reasons for sickness from work

If it's all the same to you, I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

On Saturday, I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour, and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house. While simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

My stigmata are acting up.

I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. Okay?

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them 'Skins, huh?   So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.