Here are some work jokes if you're having a bad day

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

Dear Staff,

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offender" category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

Office Hurdles

Video Movie Clip MPEG

How to brighten up a boring day in the office

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

"Maturity leave."
"Responsibility makes me nervous."
"They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those demanding conditions."
"Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
"They made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous jobs."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."

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The Genie in the bottle

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
MORAL OF THE STORY: Always let your boss have the first say.

New Guy

The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.

"Need some help?" a secretary asked.

"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"

"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.

"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"

The Chairman

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne.
God addresses Al first. "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more Freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill Clinton. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill Clinton replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling peoples' pain." God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Bill Gates; "Bill Gates, what do you believe in?"
Bill Gates says, "I believe you're in my chair."

How to Get a Job You'll Love, 2009/10 Edition: A Practical Guide to Unlocking Your Talents and Finding Your Ideal Career by John Lees from Amazon.co.uk

Employee performance evaluations

"Since my last report, he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
"Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching."
"A room temperature IQ."
"Photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"Bright as Alaska in December."
"He's so dense, light bends around him."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge: he only gargled."

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Job Application

This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida........and they hired him because he was so honest and funny! <

NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was the pits.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries

Phrases you wish you could say at work:

1. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
2. How about never? Is never good for you?
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
5. I'll try being nicer ... if you'll try being smarter.
6. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..
7. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
8. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
9. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
10. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
11. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
12. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
12a. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
14. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
15. The fact that no-one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
16. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
17. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
18. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
19. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of karma to burn off!
20. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
21. No, my powers can only be used for good.
22. You sound reasonable ... it may be time to give up the medication?
23. Who me? I just wander from room to room...
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office ... it's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
27. You! ... Off my planet!
28. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
29. Errors have been made ... others will be blamed...
30. Allow me to introduce my selves.
31. Whatever the kind of look you were going for, you missed.
32. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
33. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
34. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
35. Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
36. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
37. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
38. Chaos, panic and disorder - my work here is done.
39. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
40. I thought I wanted a career ... turns out I only wanted the pay checks.
41. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
42. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Bored at Work

Video Movie Clip MPEG

Another interesting way to pass the time

The excuse

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, sir," the new recruit replied.
"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on, "because after you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

How to maintain sanity in the work place

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same clothes. Wear each outfit one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."

4) Send email to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Place a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something -- anything -- ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send email back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the correspondence to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.

12) Put your trashcan on your desk. Label it "IN."

12a) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send email messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh, you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

Rules for the boss

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 p.m. and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks were you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lost all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to people you're with. I have to right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money, anyway.

Lots of advice and tips on the world of work & careers here

Awful Cross the Road Jokes with Video

Chicken about to cross the road

Why did the pigs cross the road with their laundry?
They wanted to do their hogwash.

Did you hear about the two kangaroos

who crossed the road?
They jumped into each other's pouches

and were never seen again.

Why did the one-handed gorilla cross the road?

To get to the second-hand shop.

Why did the frogs cross the road?
To get a croak-a-cola.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?

To get to the hopping mall.

Why did the wasp cross the road?
It needed to go to the waspital.

Why did this man cross the road ?!

Take a deep breath cos he did it twice

How do you keep a dog from crossing the road?

You put him in a barking lot.

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road without looking both ways?
Dead.

Why did the hen go halfway across the road and stop?

She wanted to lay it on the line.

Why did the sheep cross the road?

He needed to go to the baa baa shop.

Why did the otter cross the road?

To get to the otter side.

Where do animals go when they lose their tails?

They cross the road to the retail shop.

Cute - Why did the chicken cross the road ?

Why did the duck cross the road?

Because the chicken retired and moved to Florida.

Why did the chicken cross the muddy road and not come back?
Because he didn't want to be a dirty double-crosser.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

It was the chicken's day off.

Why did the chicken cross the road by the playground?

To get to the other slide.

Why did the goose cross the road?

Because the light was green.

Why did the elephant cross the road?

To pick up the squashed chicken.

Did you hear the story about the peacock who crossed the road?
It is really a colourful tail.....

How did a chicken cross the road again ?

Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chickens foot !

Friends - Season 1-10 Complete Collection (15th Anniversary) [DVD] from Amazon.co.uk

Got another awful cross the road joke ?

send it in below

Cross the Road Jokes lines sent in by you

Whay did the beaver cross the road?

Because he didn't give a dam!

why did the chicken cross the Road? Tae go tae the shop.

Hink that's funny? He didn't, the shop wiz shut!

why did i cross the road?

to get away from these lame crossing the road jokes!

Credits : Photo © Copyright Ashley Dace and licensed for reuse under this Creative Commons Licence.

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Here are some work jokes if you're having a bad day

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB:

The Genie in the bottle

New Guy

The Chairman

Employee performance evaluations

Job Application

Phrases you wish you could say at work:

The excuse

How to maintain sanity in the work place

Rules for the boss

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Awful Cross the Road Jokes with Video

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